You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
