I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
even my farts smell like vagina
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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