I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You dont lie about slip and slides
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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