We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
