And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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