According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
