Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
