i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
