I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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