Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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