Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
