So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just pee around me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
