I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
