i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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