you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
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I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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