Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
