he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
