Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
