JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
