His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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