end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.