Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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