We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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