can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
