There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
