I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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