I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
