Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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