I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Randomize
