i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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