Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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