that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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