false alarm. still invincible.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.