Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet