I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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