Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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