Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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