I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
