Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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