I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
