well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
