wrigley field is MILF paradise
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
