you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
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I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
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Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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