if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
