Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
PANTIES FOUND
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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