So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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