Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
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I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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