you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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