We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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