My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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