Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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