someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
