in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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