my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
