Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
