I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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