i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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