My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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