Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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