you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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