I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
