I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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