Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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