I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What happened to fro yo and sex?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
