my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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